Disclaimer: Talks of suicide, mental illness and self-harm
Today, the global life expectancy for human life is around 75 years old. That’s roughly 3910 weeks or 27375 days. The keyword is expectancy. To the average person, seeing that number will enlist a series of thoughts: Will I have kids? Did I live a full life? Am I rich? The list goes on and on. However, to those currently fighting the silent battle, it can provoke a rush of fear to wash over them as they contemplate the uncertainties the future holds.
Over the years, I have moulded and shifted some of the deepest and darkest parts of my brain to create an almost automatic response to questions such as “How are you?” and “Are you ok?” The answer was always the ever so generic “I’m fine, thanks.” It didn’t matter if I was feeling on top of the world, or if I was so low. I wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of eternity - it was the response everyone would get. People bought it, they accepted the simple answer I gave without a second thought. However, other times it was all too clear that what just came out of my mouth was nothing but a steaming pile of bullshit.
“I’m fine,” isn’t that such an odd phrase? So many people use it daily, but I can bet you right now that the majority of the time, no one means it. Every day, I would come home from school having said that at least once. Every day, I would come home with a blade to my wrist or look out into the running traffic wondering if today was the day. See, what a lot of people don’t tell you about suicidal thoughts is that it often isn’t just thoughts. It’s that voice in your head constantly nagging you. Screaming that you’re not worth it, no one will miss you and for the sake of everyone else, just kill yourself. That voice took up residence in my head for the majority of the year and I’ve got to say, it was pretty annoying.
I pushed friends away, quit extracurriculars and essentially became mute in my daily life. I thought I’d be doing everyone a favour by isolating myself - to quit being a burden. However, the truth is that all I was doing was hurting the people I loved most, I just didn’t know it at the time.
One day in October last year I decided I was done with everything. I was exhausted and tired of putting on a fake smile every day and carrying what felt like the world on my shoulders. So that day, I went to school saying what would've been my last goodbye. I walked towards the crossing waiting for the ‘perfect’ moment to jump out. Yes I know, stupid. But all of a sudden, I saw a hand wave in front of my face. Looking up, my first thought was 'fuck' but then they kept trying to continue the conversation and finally asked “Are you ok?” I answered, but they pushed a little further. For some reason, that was the first time in a long time when it sank in that someone cared.
It’s easy to self-isolate, it’s easy to believe what the voices are telling you, but what’s easy is not always right. I had to learn that its okay not to be okay. I’d be a hypocrite to say that it’s easy to reach out and ask for help and I’d be completely lying if I said the healing process was easy because it is anything but that, but what I can say is that as cheesy as it sounds, it’s worth it in the end. You’re probably going to have relapses of self-harm or intrusive thoughts but as annoying as it is, that’s part of the healing process nd the most important thing to remember in those moments is to talk to reach out- to anyone. Live your life to 75 years without worry or fear, live it fully with happiness and courage knowing that you won a war so many lose. Live it because you want too.
Service contacts: Australia
Beyond Blue: Call 1300 22 4636, 24/7
Aims to increase awareness of depression and anxiety and reduce stigma.
Kids Helpline: Call 1800 55 1800
Australia’s only free 24/7 confidential and private counselling service specifically for children and young people aged 5 to 25.
eHeadspace: Call 1800 650 890, 9am-1am AEST / 7 days a week.
Provides mental health and wellbeing support, information and services to young people aged 12 to 25 years and their families.
SANE Australia: Call 1800 18 7263, 10am-10pm AEST (Mon-Fri)
Provides support, training and education enabling those with a mental illness to lead a better life.
Qlife: Call 1800 184 527, 3pm-12am (midnight) AEST / 7 days a week.
Provides nationwide telephone and web-based services to support lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people of all ages.
Butterfly Foundations National Helpline: Call 1800 33 4673, 8 am -midnight AEST / 7 days a week.
The butterfly foundation is a free, confidential service that provides information, counselling and treatment referral for people with eating disorders, and body image and related issues.
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